Academic Types: The Common White Male Student- a Field Study

The common white male student (discipulus pallidus masculinus vulgaris) comes in all forms and shapes, is however characterized by certain outward appearances: He will wear cargo shorts (unless outside temperatures are minus 18 Fahrenheit, which is when sweatpants become appropriate attire), and a T-shirt. The T-shirt either displays the letters of his Greek House, or, alternatively, advertises a Burger joint he likes to frequent after he and his “brothers” (fratrii) drank through their kegs of beer. Moreover, he is surrounded by a whiff of privilege, imperceptible to himself. The white male student’s behavior and true essence can be best studied, however, in interaction with another species, the female professor (professora feminina). On any given day, the interaction is characterized by the steadfast belief in the white male student’s infallibility. Hence, he will have no problems giving his female professor two thumbs up, declaring “you’re right” (accompanied by vigorous head nodding) after she explained to him why his approach to a problem was not correct. It is also beyond the DPMV to ever apologize for being 10-12 minutes late. Should the belief in this infallibility be shaken- the DPMV will excel in the heuristics of restoring the belief: Clearly, the professor harassed him about being a tad late. Clearly, the female professor has to be a bit more understanding of his situation of partying instead of doing his homework. And anyways, why is this bitch on his case constantly, does she not get laid enough?

In conversation with the professora feminina, the DPMV will exhibit benevolent friendliness, assuring her how he “truly appreciates” her concerns for his grade, and he will always finish his 11.47 pm email asking for homework with “respectfully yours.” On occasion, the DPMV shows an attempt of critical thinking, yet, it often gets lost with the beer that comes out of that funnel on Thursday night. His response paper on how refugees in Syria “got it really bad” thus will never be developed further.

Two times during the semester, the DPMV will engage in serious studying: During Midterms and Finals. In the week coming up to the midterm, he will gingerly approach a student in better academic standing (usually a female), flash her a smile, and suggest that they can study together. Generally, the female student will agree. They will meet at a public place, so that the DPMV can be seen studying, and on occasion, “say hi” to his friends. Should the DPMV actually earn a grade better than before, the glory will be his- and he will forget about the student that sat with him for hours, patiently explaining the very basics of the coursework, while the DPMV tweeted and took selfies on instagram. Should his grade not be as expected, he will write yet another polite email to the professora feminina, respectfully requesting to “discuss” his grade. During said discussion he will share his bewilderment: he studied so hard- does that not automatically qualify him for an A? This conversation could have two outcomes: The professora feminina actually starts doubting herself, as her species is wont to do, and gives him a better grade. In the second scenario, the professora will patiently explain what was done wrong, and will not change her grade. In the first scenario, the professora loses self- respect. In the second scenario- she loses the support of her fellow faculty- often former DPMVs and their mothers- and possibly her job. Interactions with several professoras not bending to the will of the DPMV and not understanding his infallibility, can turn into the well-known and researched “angry white male syndrome” (morbus pallidus masculinus aggravatus). Without a hint of irony, he will declare that there are good stereotypes (Asians are smart and Jews are rich), that white men really are the victims of society. Currently, a cure only involves a silver bullet, something the fewest of the professoras can afford.

The behavior towards the professora feminina can easily be explained: The DPMV is of the cocksure belief, that women are either mothers, or someone to sexually engage with (aka. “hit”, “hook up with,” “hang out with”). Since the professora feminina generally does not fall into his prey scheme- the DPMV concludes that she has to mother him. A little example will illustrate this: The DPMV takes, say an econ class, with a male professor, and fails. He will tell his friends how hard they will have to work, how hard the assignments are and that the professor is strict. This will be said with a tone of respect and awe. The student repeats the class, this time taught by a female professor. Even though she will grade the same way, even though she will assign the same problems, she most likely will have the reputation of a cold-hearted, hard-assed bitch (who needs to get laid, since this is the solution to all of mankind’s problems).

To be complete in this observation, it has to be noted that subspecies of the DPMV exist- such as the white, enlightened male student. Often, he has been raised by a single mother, is fluid in his sexuality, or his intelligence is above average. This subspecies is extremely rare, and, like white tigers, either becomes ostracized from the general DPMV community, or a target to them.

The DPMV is most commonly found in Liberal Arts Schools, in recent years however, a migration to state schools and community colleges has been detected. Similar to the common rat (rattus norvegicus), the DPMV easily adapts to most surroundings.

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